THE BIG FAT BIHARI WEDDING

parnam 2 all of u again

since u all have been waitin 4 my new post as eager as a bridegroom......i wont prolong the time period like viagara....

so here it follows.........

my life was like the life of a dandruff in Aamir Khan's bald head......barren,pricky,just has one road 2 travel and waiting 4 GHAZINI 2 be completed like i am waiting 4my date of joining which I may get in this birth itself ....i suppose......neways suddenly one day i got a marriage invitation card....a typical orange coloured card with a stamp of Lord Ganesha(our hindu santa claus).....on the front of the card...names of dulha and dulhan were written in bold lucida font.....@@#$$%$ weds &^&^**##.....(seriously guys...do u always remember the names of bride & the groom???)....the marriage was in PATINGTON(Patna....capital of USB)......within few dayz i was off 2 Patna.............

the journey begins.......


the road of Bihar is like cheek of Om Puri and after travelling all the way 2 patna i am sure i achieved 6 packs in my intestines......thanx 2 the rainy season we reached floating in our car......next day i reached the marriage place.......at the entrance 2 guards were standing resembling innocent farmers turned decoits coz of "zalim thakur" common in mid 80s hindi flicks.....the father of the bride was receiving the guests with his both hands stuck together very firm as a namastey and a smile suggesting"ye fevicol ka jodd hai...tutega nahi"....he was cladded in silk kurta & yellow dhoti......it seemed as if masala dosa has been served with rasmalai in a platter......so now i was inside the marriage hall amidst the gr8 bihari folks full of kumars,ranjans & jhas(common titles found in bihar....well my name itself is an example)..after 1&1/2 mins i was busy touching feets of all the chachas and chachis i knew nd some i didnt ....after touching feets ( 4^44^444)times i nearly felt as if was conceiving a small arnold in the womb of my biceps......well shaadi hai toh crowd ke baare mein to batana hi hoga.....the crowd basically consisted of

**bihari chicks in flambuoyant "lehenga" with 12 layer of foundation on their face looking like "damdami mayi" of Chandrakanta with look towards the guys suggesting"kabhi idhar bhi dekh liya karo...sanam harjaai"

**nuskh nikalu uncles....these r the type of guests who come 2 the marriage with a prime aim 2 find faults in the arrangements and the pair gettin married so dat they can tell their relatives abt badlighting arrangements,dirty carpets and "khatta dahi vadas"

**nonchalant uncles......these r the type of guys who doesnt even know why they r here and dont even care wats goin on around them....they just come tied with the "pallus" of their wives and having a look suggesting"hum tumhare hain sanam"

**bihari dudes......these r guys cladded in pink shirts,black pant & white belt.....true shisyas of guru "Manoj Tiwari" & "Ravi Kishan"(superstars of bhojpuri movies) starting each sentance of their conversation with "kyaa jiiiiii......."

& last but not the least.....people like me who come with the motive of devouring "shaadi ka khana" & observing people around.....taaki blogiyaane ke liye kuch maal mil jaye!!!!

as i was observing various species around suddenly one uncle caught hold of me & asked me abt the reason of my holiday weight dat i have put on recently.....seriously if the hollywood guys see me they will surely make a movie named..."the incredible bulk"........


now lets talk abt the dulha........i came 2 know dat the dulhaji was an air force pilot who was expected 2 land any moment 4m gorakhpur with his U.P waale bhaiyas who have 7-8 days old "paan, guthka & rajnigandhas"preserved in their mouth like mummys preseved in pyramids......
suddenly,there was lot of "halla-gulla" and everybody started shouting"baarat aa gaya jiiiiii"......relatives 4m the bride's side were ready with garland in their hands 2 welcome baaratis.......when dulha entered in the sceane......all the young girls+aunties got excited as if they just saw tom cruise naked....... as soon as dulha climbed the dias and sat in his royal seat....all the ladkiwallas stared at him as if he was last man left on the planet......then after few minutes...dulhan appeared in the sceane with her 2-3 sisters supporting her 4m 2 sides......after this balancing act, dulhan went up the dias....she gave a tiny glance to the dulha suggesting "maang bharo sajna" or"bin ferrey hum tere"types.......after "jaymaal" or u can say "the garland ceremony" the pair sat and few seconds later all the "saalis" pounced on dulha like dobermann pouces on the convict and the "jija saali chit- chat" began......
guys....i dont notice any marriage after "the garland ceremony"........so lets talk abt the food in the marriage

when i entered the hall where the food was served.....i saw a long line of the people yearning 4 food....i cud hear people saying following lines which u will hear only in a wedding

"bhaiji...zara teji se badhiye....humhu hain linewa mein"

"shukla ji....aap dahi vadawa kahe cheekk ke(bihari term of "obstruct") khade hain"

"arey bhaklol(bihari term of"idiot).....nan thanda na ho gaya hai...garam lao haali se(bihari term of"quick")"

there was no other way but 2 join the herd.......so i took a plate and joined the line as long as legs of deepika padukone.....and the type of people i met and struggle dat i went thru r as follows.......

as i started advancing in the line and had taken naan and pulao.... suddenly,i was obstructed by an uncle who was obfuscated abt the amount of daal he should take that should be in proportion with the amount of pulao....after lots of permutation & combination he achieved the desired ratio but again got confused with the amount of paneer he shud take so that it can fit in the area left between naan,pulao,salad without any overlapping with the daal providing enuf area so dat the next item i.e gulabjamun can easily adjusted....after frustating me 4 around 20mins he left the line & i took a sigh of relief which was shortlived.........

the next 2 uncles in the line ahead of me forgot abt their food and started discussing their children's prob obstructing me again.......their conversation was sumwat like....

uncle1:"ka batyein jhaji.....mera jo ladkwa hai na.....lafua(bihari term of "loafer") ho gaya hai....jab dekhiye ganja maar ke pada rehta hai....ka karein bataiye....."

uncle2:"mera betwa kaun sa doodh ka dhula hua hai......PMCH ke hostel mein ek room capture kar liya hai bhagwan jane kaise.....wahan din bhar daru peeta hai aur jua khelta hai"

me(thinking):"in dono awara beton ki shazza mujhe kyun mil rahi hai bhai......in dono beton ke chakkar mein meri panner thandi ho gayi"

after a long struggle i finally got my food....but lost my mood and apetite
to ye tha my experience of a bihari wedding.......hope u like it...bbye

DHANYAVAD

ANDHER NAGARI CHAUPAT RAJA

parnam all of u again.........
so....did u all get the topic of the post....if u all have not then i must tell u dat this famous hindi phrase is most suitable 4 my college named "SATHYABAMA DOOM..er..sorry DEEMED UNIVERSITY"....if u all dont know wat is a "DEEMED UNIVERSITY" then i must tell u this....deemed universities r those closed spaced,suffocating colleges who get the "autonomous" status 4m the authority by a toast of whisky with tandoori chicken "over the table" and something "under the table" which we all know being indians.....neways my post is not related 2 this.....so "HARI" ka naam leke "HURRY" mein shuru karte hain
on august 25th,2004...i was asked 2 go 2 a place called sathyabama deemed univ by the lady luck....without any regrets i did as instructed......when i first saw the coll...it looked mammoth....huge temple like building.....i was quite impressed.....but when i entered the coll campus and had a brief view of it....it seemed like"epitome of deforestation"...neways....when i inquired abt the college i came 2 know that actually 3 colleges r in the same campus....and the building with which i was impressed is actually the other college.....after sometimes i came 2 know dat my chancellor believes in following mathematical formulae

(college/daughter)*ghar jamaai 4m roadside=income tax saved

so now i understood the concept which really caught me off guard...choro yaar...ab aa hi gaye hain to hostel bhi ghoom liya jaye.....so i went 2 "ramakrishna illam".....the sceane there was more disheartening.....in the name of allocation the students were stuffed in2 the rooms...ie 6 dudes/room or u can say 6 dogs/kennel....one gud thing abt the rooms was dat the bathroom was so spacious dat 2-3 buffalos can easily bath there as stated by dad of one of my roomies.....the floor of the corridor was as crooked as intention of pakistan on kashmir issue and i found it very difficult 2 walk being 1&1/2 legged guy(dats another story....will post it later)....in between 2 buildings there was an ocean of mosquitoes which i think were capable of kidnapping any human being.....chalo choro.....ab canteen ki baat ki jaye.....when i first saw the college canteen i thought earthquake has hit dat particular canteen area...and the guy inside the canteen reminded me of tom hanks in CASTAWAY.....the canteen sold following cuisines
->fruit juice: a .000001% of juice mixed in 100% water...price-10/-.....actual price- 50p with some maa behen ki gaali 2 canteenwala
->aloo paratha:a round shaped cuisine stuffed with soil 4m jupiter or saturn which somewat resembles potato along with white coloured sparrow shit resembling our dahi.....price-10/-....actual price-2/-with a slap 2 canteenwala
choro yaar...khana ka description sun ke mood kharab ho gaya hoga......lets talk abt my rocking roomies.....
apart 4m me there were 5 studs(bolne mein kya jata hai) in room no 444...lemme introduce u 2 two main characters who played major role in my college life
character no 1:-
ADITYA"hewlett"PRAKASH:a pure "patna" guy....as responsible as"smriti irani in kyun ki..",as caring as"baa again in kyunki..."......this guy specializes in all household activities and has a bright career as railway ticket agent......currently working in HP(now u might have understood the reason of his middle name)
character no 2:-
UJJWAL"thermal"SINGH:this guy has a look of "banarasi thug" but no intention as such....he belongs 2 a wonderland called ANPARA(guys...dont refer the atlas...this place is as enigmatic as bermuda triangles")....a pure electronics student endorsing SRK looks and ever ready 2 do maa behen of any political topic.....in short he is the next praveen togarhia in making

so finally i got 2 frnds-one with bouncing hair(ujjwal)and other with bouncing belly(aditya)

my first day in my department was very exciting as well as intimidating.......as soon as i entered my dept lab i noticed 3 things and these 3 things remained same for all the 4 yrs.....
1)an air conditioner which never got switched on for all the 4 yrs
2)lab instruments dat never worked
3)teachers as dumb as the heroine of the recent flopbuster"HAAL-E-DIL"

but one thing which i can never forget is the face of my college's director.........................
talkin abt my director...well he looks like adivasi dynasaurus.....around 6 feet x inches.....face as black as charcoal......he seems 2 be the guy most appropriate 4 the role of mahisasur in a play

ab itna kuch sun hi liya hai to college mess ke baare mein bhi sun hi lo......
college ka mess to infrastructure wise zabardast hai but the food sucks like tushar kapoor's acting......when i first went 2 the mess....i was served idli and chicken.....i looked at the food 4 nearly 10-15mins and wondered if the mess guys knew the exact date of april fool.....looking at my plate i really wondered wat 2 do with this martian combo......then i saw mess guys started serving a cuisine in white colour.....it was curd rice.....i tasted it and came 2 the conclusion dat cows of arrah & chaprah(2 countrysides of USB)eat better than this shit......thanx 2 the sexy mess food...i lost 20kgs in 1st semester and achieved a figure which can give JLO run 4 money....
so...finally i concluded .....ANDHER NAGRI CHAUPAT RAJA

aacha dosto...ye thi mere coll ke initial dayz......dats it 4 2day......chale hum sone......bbye
DHANYAVAD!!!!!!!!!!!

parnam 2 all of u!!!!!!!!!!!!!

parnam ladies & ladaaaaz
m KUMAR ANURAG......a new blogger or in other words "naya champu" in blogosphere...as u cud have noticed 4m the way i started.....i belong 2 USB....no no no....not UNIVERSAL SERIAL BUS....i belong 2 UNITED STATES OF BIHARICA or in other words THE GR8 LALOO LAND which basically comprises of 3 things
1)cow
2)cowdung
3)IAS aspirants i.e"commission ki tayaari wale mahapurush"
i will post abt this wonderful place later.....zaara aaram se bachua..... gudbye....me signing off
DHANYAVAD